"I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."
Wow. Not sure what that means, but I hope it's not as gross as it sounds. So Mr. Avery was suspended by the NHL, and may get additional penalties from the Commissioner of the NHL and/or his team, but he got onto TMZ.com and officially entered the sphere of Celebrity Fake News, though it was primarily due to his connection with Elisha Cuthbert, whoever she is, and everyone and their dog in the NHL has been quoted condemning him for saying mean things about his ex. I thought it was ok to say nasty things about your ex. I thought that was what those people were for. My sister's response: "omg, this is PC madness. WHO CARES?" This response surprised me. Not the who cares part, given the teams and celebrities involved, and not the omg nonsense from a woman over 30, because she's done that before. What surprised me was that she thought the big uproar over the comment was a PC thing. I think living in San Francisco for 2 weeks has made her a little touchy. It just can't be. The NHL doesn't have an ounce of PC in it. If anyone cared about offensiveness, they wouldn't have named a team the Flames, which is offensive to homosexuals, or the Red Wings, which is offensive to Native Americans, or the Maple Leafs, which is offensive to grammarians, or the Flyers, which is offensive to newsletters, or the Blues, which is offensive to Oxygen-Deficient Americans, or the Wild, which is offensive to the Differently Sane, and I'm not even going to touch names like Canucks, Black Hawks, Predators, and Devils. Just putting the Ducks and Sharks in the same division makes PETA cry. So the NHL doesn't care what people think. That explains, and came from, keeping a straight face all those years when half of all games were allowed to end in a 1-1 tie.
My theory for the outcry was that Elisha Cuthbert doesn't just sleep with NHL players, she sleeps with management, too, who now want to get back into her good graces, or her pants, or both. My sister's reply was that it's a tough pro-censorship world out there, and "hockey mom" is a semi-serious term, and the Minivan Brigade is an inch away from making the whole country go peanut-free (more on that to come) this very second. I had to agree with that. It isn't hard to see them rising up against an athlete who calls the women with whom he has had loveless sexual relationships "used." You know, after he used them. I also had to agree with the WHO CARES part. It's a couple of Canadians on obscure teams, for heaven's sake. Just to show them how it's done, and rub their noses in their relative obscurity, the NFL immediately generated some REAL fake news with Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg, for heaven's sake. Important player, team that won the Super Bowl last year, New York City - nobody's mentioned Sean Avery since, poor guy. Poor NHL. Poor Canada. As for Elisha Cuthbert, she can date whoever she wants, I don't mind. The pretty ones can always do whatever they want. It's a law of thermodynamics or something.
But have no fear, NHL, I, in my usual helpful fashion, have an elegant solution! It's time for someone to introduce Sean Avery, and the NHL in general, to Amy Winehouse. Think about it- she's single now, she's not above guys with no teeth, she likes snow (don't tell her it's not the same snow), she's got enough psycho-ex-girlfriend in her for the whole league with plenty left over, and we'd all get to watch the YouTube video of her snorting a line of coke that goes all the way from one end of a hockey stick to the other in one inhalation. Awesome.
Your Humblest and Most Devoted Servant,