Thursday, September 17, 2009


Time for a new job.

I've had the same job for quite a while now, and doing one thing or another I've been in the same place for the past 12 years. It's not that there are any major problems, but I just feel like I should try something else. I want a good job, with security, great benefits (who doesn't want an impressive package, after all?), and a sense that I'm really accomplishing something, without having to get my hands dirty. Sounds like government work, no? It sure is. I don't know anything about clean energy or lobbying or adultery, but there is one great mass opening in the government, just around the corner, and I think I can convince some of my friends to join me: I'm going to sign up for one of the Obama Death Squads when the new health care bill passes. It's going to be great fun:

Someone: The doctor says I need a bone marrow transplant. I'll be in the hospital for months.
Me: Dude, you're hosed. Off to the Maximum Security Federal Hospice with you.
Someone: Dang.

Someone else: I shattered my femur when I fell off a fire escape during the rescue of a small child from a burning building.
Me: Wow, that's some expensive surgery and rehabilitation you would have needed. Bummer. Off to the Maximum Security Federal Hospice with you.
Someone else: Dang

Coincidentally, the rescued small child's Mom: My son has conjunctivitis.
Me: Eeeeeeewwwwwwww! Eye pus! Gross, and not only nasty, but just about the most contagious disease known to man. Off to the Maximum Security Federal Hospice with little Timmy.
Timmy's Mom: Dang.

And so forth. I'll save my fellow Americans millions of dollars in hospital and drug costs, doctor fees, crutches and eye drops. It's going to be all unicorns and rainbows, career-wise, and while it isn't a done deal yet, I know it's just a matter of time.
It's not just that the Democrat's have a majority in both houses of Congress. It's that there's been a larger conspiracy brewing, and my death squad job is a key element.

Start with one basic idea: It's easier to merge entities that are similar than entities that are different. Apply that to the well-known fact that, for 2o years now, give or take, the United Nations and their stupid baby-blue helmets have been conspiring to take over the whole world in the New World Order government or whatever. Well, there are basically only two ways in which the United States is far enough out of line with the rest of the industrialized world. The first is the lack of a serious federal police force, but after 9/11 we made some serious strides toward the whole automatic-weapons-in-the-streets, random-searches-to-get-into-anywhere, police statey kind of thing, and eight years later, a lot of it has become just background noise, barely noticed and perfectly entrenched. Just picture the dumb blue helmets and you're there.
The other big difference between the US and the THEM is the lack of national health care. It just has to happen for the great New World Order Merger to happen, so national health care will happen.

How, though, you may ask, do I know that the Hospice Death Squads will be a part of that plan? You argue that the whole Death Squad thing was a figment of the Republican Party's imagination under the influence of bad acid and Sarah Palin Cognitive Dissonance. Well, there, smarty-pants, if that's true, then why is Obama escalating the Afghanistan war? This man, who was so emphatic about ending Iraq and who doesn't have any illusions about using war to make the people of that region change their minds and love us and build a McDonalds and turn Christian - where was I? Oh, yeah, Obama isn't escalating the Afghanistan thing because of any ideological principle, and certainly not because it has any clear aims or can be won. He needs to send more troops over there for Afghanistan's one precious natural resource: Opium. He needs it to make the morphine for the Maximum Security Federal Hospices. Also to chill out the Republicans when they run out of acid and/or overdose.
I've got my resume all ready.

Your Humblest and Most Devoted Servant,

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