Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Advice for Young Men

If you are a man between the ages of about 20 and 25, you can take simple steps aimed at eliminating the embarrassment of male-pattern baldness. I don't advocate using any anti-balding treatments, because that costs money, specifically money from which I do not get a percentage, so screw that. No, there is a better way.

First, grow your hair very long, but only on one side. Next, comb the long hair over your full, luxurious head of young-man hair. If anyone asks "What the heck, dude?" you respond with perfect nonchalance, "combover, bro," (substitute terms for dude, bro, etc as is appropriate for your age/class/ geographic origin, I realize I am a lame old dude, bro). If anyone asks about or accuses you of baldness, just lift up the hair and show them that you have plenty of hair underneath, without any bald spots or thinning. You are, after all, only in your early 20's. Keep the combover without exception, no matter what goes in or out of fashion, no matter what the weather. The payoff comes in about 10 years and beyond, when you are still sporting the combover, proudly as ever, but underneath, you have become, in fact, bald. People who haven't known you for long will say, "Look at the combover. He's not fooling anyone, why does he bother," but all the people who have known you all these years will say, "Actually, he's always done his hair that way, he isn't bald at all."

Too easy. Can't possibly go wrong.

Your Humblest and Most Devoted Servant,

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